In a more simple time (before the Internet, Ebola and ITV Be) it was a very easy thing to light up a darkened room. All one had to do was flick a switch and providing one’s electricity bill was paid the room would instantly flood with light. Instantly. No pissing about. Instant light.
This inefficient bulb was so saddened by what he saw he threw himself off a curtain pelmet.
These light bulbs not only aroused themselves with the voracity of a bull calf on prescription Cialis they also lasted for somewhere between 3 months and 1 galactic year. When these old fashioned bulbs did finally give up the ghost all you had to do was give the brave fella a round of good honest applause and then walk to pretty much any sensible retail outlet and replace it, for about 30p. What a simple activity all round.
Then, without any warning, scamps like ‘the tofu appreciation society’ began to spring up all over the place as if the Chernobyl reactor core meltdown was a bad thing and start jabbling on about chlorofluorocarbons and such voodoo. Before you can say ‘make my bathroom light up In the same time as it takes a hippopotamus to peel a carrot‘ everything has changed.
Having reached the point in my life where I can no longer make rational sense of Room illumination I decided to conduct a thorough investigation of the whole farce.
Who’s behind it?
The Government (oh, it must be kosher then), Retailers (souls of integrity) and Energy companies (honest as the day is long) according to the energy saving trust. Phew. It’s not as if any of them have anything to gain from selling gash products that last 44 seconds and cost more than a defibrillator then.
What will you save?
According to the energy trust, replacing one beautiful, kind and elegant energy inefficient bulb with a new bumcrust poohorse version can save you £3. Blatantly ignoring the fact that a bumcrust poohorse bulb costs more than a vial of unicorn tears in the first place. I actually witnessed a father of 3 have his kidney harvested at an express checkout in Tesco last week as he hadn’t he funds to cover a three pack of these twisty devil bulbs. His children wept knowing it would be Grandma’s turn to make the ultimate sacrifice in just three days time when the emperors new bulbs burnt out as limply as an asthmatic kitten running the wrong way on an airport travelator.
What is the environmental impact?
I couldn’t find anything specific on this. Probably because all of the people that had been paid to write such information for the Internet had instead taken lucrative employment digging emergency landfill sites to house all of the new ‘efficient and ace’ bulbs that lasted for only 11 minutes of their projected 10 year lifespan.
In summary then, honest organisations have decided that it would be best to take away our 3 for 99p bulbs that lit our houses with pride and honesty for years at a time with fancy looking impostors that cost somewhere around £10 and fail suddenly as if the the little lord Jesus himself has turned them off at the great fuse box in the sky. Not only that, some retailers are so embarrassed at this light bulb railroading they have stopped selling them altogether so it is even more difficult to easily locate an over priced duff bulb that takes almost the entire lifespan of a Galapagos turtle to even begin to emit enough light for one to locate a torch.
This is the first ever ‘efficient’ light bulb. It was switched on by Romulus and Remus and finally reached its declared ‘lumen’ power last week.
And as a side note Tesco, when I do grudgingly force myself to order some of these horrendous charlatans from your website it really doesn’t make for a great solution when you substitute bayonet fitting villains for screw fitting. Mind you, for all the good they do I might as well cut out the middle man and just chuck them straight in the bin anyway.
Worrying my sheep 