5 things we learnt…. Burnley

In the shambolic aftermath of the West Ham debacle LVG proved he at least knew someone that could work a computer and showed us all he was only a couple of poor matches away from a full Benitez. Ace.

But tonight was another chance to show that he has a slight inkling about this management lark, how did he fare and what did we learn?

1) NOTHING

Still no HERRERA, still playing Rooney in midfield and still picking the oil tankers in attack.

2) EMPERORS NEW CLOTHES

Adam Jazzyjump in the team ahead of HERRERA or Mata when he has had the impact of a Sinclair C5 this season was a nonsense. He is 20. By the age of 20 Ryan Giggs had his pilots license, his trout fishing license and a black & white TV license. Jazzyjump has 2 goals vs Sunderland. No contest.

3) PEOPLE USED TO BE THINGS

Jimmy Saville used to be a good marathon runner. Harold Shipman used to be a good doctor. Frank Maloney used to have a willy. So it’s very feasible that LVG USED to be a good manager.

4) DALEY ON THE TILLS

Watching handsome Daley battling single handedly in the middle of the field is a bit like going shopping in my local Spar. Daley is the checkout woman and we the customers are the opposition. I am Nemanja Matic my basket full of stella and LVG won’t send anyone else to serve me. The twat.

5) (S) PACE

Ander HERRERA was once given a straw, a box of waterproof plasters, an apple and a pony. He made a cure for Chris Moyles. Tonight he came on to the pitch and made space for Angel Di Maria. I bet Derren Brown is terrified of HERRERA.

Possibly the shabbiest 3-1 win ever. I don’t care. I only ever liked United because of Jesper Olsen.

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5 things we learnt……West Ham

Manchester United are now so bad that West Ham fans will have been disappointed to drop 2 points today and Big Sham was able to call out the opposition as desperate long ball merchants. However speculation is nonsense, this feature addresses the facts and the stats and looks at the performance in the sharpest focus.

1) plan b
Does anyone actually know what Plan A is? Apart from fanny about and try not to score with players being played out of position?
Anyway – our plan B is not as absolutely shit as that pretend rapper Plan B – he is the worst ferret ever to try and sing. But it is to kick the ball as hard as they can to Marouane Fellaini. Marouane Fellaini. Jesus Christ our Lord.

2) Positions
At work last week we had a ‘van Gaal day’ where we got a couple of squirrels from the nearby thicket to try and drive a lorry. It went as well as could be expected. But those squirrels had a good first touch and weren’t Balding. Neither were they partial to sexual intercourse with Grandma’s.

3) Dave
Imagine Batman, superman, Phil the power Taylor and rod, Jayne & Freddy all rolled into one. And then imagine that all their colleagues were fuckwits. Leaves you with David De Gea. I love him more than I love custard.

4) HERRERA
To try and understand Van Gaal I went to Tesco this morning and bought a pack of fancy sausages. I didn’t want to have them for my lunch though. I could easily have them with some mashed potato, and they would be lovely. Bit of onion gravy sat alongside them. But I won’t. Instead I will eat my cat’s shit and daub the litter in my eyes.

5) Rooney
In 1994 West Midlands safari park bought a tiger. After 5 months the public were finding it a bit boring but the head of animals announced that whatever happened it would still be the main attraction. The tiger overheard this and thought to himself ‘midfield is wank, but the pay is awesome’ so he still Sat in his Cage but growled like a watermelon whenever anyone walked past.

So that’s it. Manchester United are going to finish 6th and get knocked out of the FA cup at the semi final stage but no one will care because Paul Daniels will be yew-treed.

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5 things we learnt…..Leicester

Van Gaal came into the game under a bit of pressure for the first time in his nonsensical stuttering reign. An absolute festering pisshole of a performance in the cup and a general feel of banality about most of 2015 so far had left the thumbfaced clown staring into the abyss (I don’t mean Phil Jones eyes). He was being urged to change the tactics and allow the players to express themselves and take the game to the opposition.

So, as usual I have really dug into the minute details of the fabric of the match and picked out five things we learnt;

1) Fourmation
See what I did there? LVG succumbed to the pressure and went with a 4-4-2 style. Which curiously is the same kind of fourmation that you lot were desperate for SAF to abandon towards the end of his reign but whatever.

2) HERRERA
I have pondered the curious HERRERA situation long and hard and have decided the only reason thumbface leaves out the incisive scamp is that he hates his dad. While manager of Barcelona LVG was abused by Ander’s dad at half time of a Copa del Ray match vs Burnley. Anders dad, Nigel HERRERA, threw a can of lilt at the stubborn Dane and yelled “usted tiene una cara que parece un pulgar”. Now LVG is finally wreaking his revenge.

3) Rojo
Marcus Rojo is showing signs of developing into a really influential player at the heart of the defence. For one reason only. Opposition managers and players aren’t sure how to pronounce his surname. In the team talk the manager tells the strikers to “pressurise that Rowhow lad” the strikers reply “don’t you mean Rocco?” “No!!” Says the manager, “I mean Rohjow” confusion reigns supreme and so they all target Phil Jones. The man sullying DUNCAN Edwards good name with every game.

4) substitutions
It’s a good job LVG doesn’t work at a supermarket delivering people’s shopping. Imagine the fucking substituons you would get. “Shorryy Mr Blanchette, your dairylea wash out of shtock so as a substitute here is some Anusol and a rabbit I ran over down the lane”

5) 2nd half shutdown
Under SAF in the mid to late 90’s United would’ve won this game 14-0 and the second half would’ve been a bloodbath. The opposition manager would’ve been sacrificed to the gods of football on the halfway line and the opposition full backs would’ve been treated for category 3 burns. LVG tried to ‘contain’ Leicester instead. I am glad thumbface doesn’t work in our local off license. I would be coming home with a bottle of Ribena and a pack of scouring pads under my arm every Saturday.

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5 things we learnt….Cambridge

Another load of old shit on the football pitch and as Louis Van Gaal begins to look more and more like David Moyes and the team play more and more sideways passes we have to ask ourselves is there any light at the end of the tunnel?. No. Probably not.

1) No HERRERA
This Gaal twat has no idea. United fans have waited for a proper central midfielder ever since Owen Hargreaves gave up the ghost and when we finally sign one the thumbfaced fucker won’t play him. Wanker.

2) Phil Jones corners
To try and understand this phenomena I let one of my children chop up a carrot. He now has 3 plasters on his hand. Think on.

3) Valencia throw ins.
To try and understand this I let an old man from our road finger one of my cats. They are now engaged.

4) Di Maria restricted
Imagine signing a player that is at his best with the ball at his feet and then letting Phil Jones hoof it out of defence and right over his head. The same thing happened to my uncle. He bought a prize winning cucumber and fed it to his donkey.

5) sideways passing
My neighbour is a Liverpool fan, a voracious homophobe and often has watery bogies running from his nose. He thinks constant sideways passing is shit too. Drink that in Louis.

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5 things we learnt…… QPR

Manchester United won their silly little game of football on Saturday against QPR or Queens Part Raisins as Lisa Von Garlow dubbed them. Because most of you watching won’t have understood a lot of things that happened during the game on account of the stronger recreational drugs available off the internet I have done some really good analysis that you can read on suicide Tuesday. While you cry into your scotch eggs as the narcotic comedown grates your retinas and makes your heart beat irregularly you can have a gander at this and feel some sanctity.

1) 3-5-2
You might as well not bother trying to watch ANY kind of formation on a live stream when you have download speeds that would make an Eskimo weep. Doesn’t matter a shit to me how they lined up, I couldn’t watch the first half anyway. (Note – when people are asking for a ‘stream’ on the twitter it’s best if you don’t reply with a picture of a stream. However hilarious it seems in your head).

2) Square pegs in round holes
This Gaal lad seems determined to play people in the wrong position. In the same kind of way I assigned my sky Go Id to the wrong devices and no matter how much i pissed around with it I couldn’t switch it back. So I don’t care if Di Maria is more potent running at opponents from midfield, I never saw it.

3) Substitutions
While I love innovation and challenging the status quo sometimes you should stick to what you know. I drank some beers I wasn’t best acquainted with in Saturday night and it didn’t do me any favours at all. I missed Match of the day completely as a result. So for every James Wilson there is an Alhambra cerveza. Be alert.

4) Accept feedback
While Gaal was displaying his usual stubbornness I was still asleep. He may have been insisting he knew best but I wasn’t. In stark contrast to the former Egyptian manager I was listening to the words of SpongeBob. Mainly because the aforementioned booze had forced me to stay in bed and I had missed the re-run of match of the day.

5) Make necessary changes
So, finally we get to the real key point. Make changes that are necessary, changes that will add value and contribute to future outcomes in a positive manner. I choose to change my sky boxes over on Saturday afternoon. Thus wiping everything from my planner meaning no MOTD recorded whatsoever. In short I have seen less than 2 minutes of the entire
Match.

One thing to take from this is that I have no real idea of how the team played at all, but rest assured that won’t stop me forcing my half witted opinions on you about tactics and suchlike.

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Funniest scamp on Twitter – Conc man

This one had it all. A suspected cheating scandal on the poll, hot favourites falling by the wayside, a strong media campaign and controversy. By the bucketload.

Let’s start with the nominees, yes it was a strong list but clearly missing some of twitters really funny characters. Could it be that there was a warning issued? Could ‘someone’ have advised people against nominating certain people?

Then the campaigns, a pre-vote favourite McMoomins was conveniently out of the country on a waterboarding trip. Another, Blumphington, was ‘at work’. Likely story. What about the ‘Paris angel’ ? He was almost silent the whole way through. Almost as if they didn’t want to win. Why could that be?

Then the voting, as soon as the eventual champion revealed he/she was the man/woman behind CONC there was only ever going to be one winner. Yet a curiously high percentage of the votes and visitors to the site were from Germany. Can we think of anyone recently in the press from Germany? Yes. That’s right. Robbie Huth.

It is my suspicion that the whole thing was bankrolled by the gender quiz loving defender. Urgent to deflect the headlines from himself he paid for a few ‘faces’ to issue warnings about the nominations.

He then fixed McMoomins, Blumphington and this Angel lad up so they couldn’t run their campaigns. If that wasn’t enough he paid a team of fellow willy/fanny guessers to place numerous votes for the CONC man.
Almost the perfect crime.

Well done @a_looseend. You are the funniest fucker on Twitter.

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Booze drinker of the year – Busby

In the most keenly contested race since the West Midlands Under 14’s 200m (1992 national trials finals) Busby scorched across the line to take the award. Unlike me in that 200m in ’92 he judged the bend just right and finished slightly ahead of the American Kyle Diller.

Kyle has drunk more than 17,000 pints of beer/cider and vim(p)to in the last 12 months and as the USA woke up and logged onto their smartphones he started to push for the title. In the end he couldn’t match the critical mass of Busby who has over 64,000 followers on the twitter. If you wanted to be analytical Kyle was probably the pound for pound champion.

There was a strong start for Yakhunt and Gary too but as the evening progressed they were doing what proper booze drinkers do. Drinking booze. So their collective focus was lost a little bit. Blobbins never got chance to canvas for the vote as he was out drinking booze and even last night still hadn’t left the sauce alone for more than a couple of hours to sleep and feed his Shetland ponies.

Well done Busby.

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