Days 1,2 & 3

Thus far the days have been relatively kind. No major disasters to be wiped away by the brute force of a Duval and conversely no great events to reflect upon with a few of the Stella sisters. That said the drive home from work that would’ve been punctuated by a visit to one of Mr Tesco’s establishments for a bottle or two of Friday juice was a more somber affair than normal.

I did stop and buy a couple of packs of Snack a Jacks and an iceberg lettuce but they are no replacement for sturdy pint cans of Belgian magic or a bottle of appley goodness from our Hereford cousins. Panic ye not a super cup of tea lies in wait for me this evening and if I drink all of that and am still thirsty nothing will stop me getting stuck right into a couple of litres of Highland Spring.

If you feel moved to donate a few pennies to Macmillan after reading that load of old tripe click here

https://www.gosober.org.uk/profile/johnyoung

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Loom Band Danger

This is something that has come to light today and any responsible parent, teacher, carer or sinister uncle should act immediately.

My son (aged 7) has learnt at school today that the charm bracelets that come with loom bands are actually the source of Ebola and you should be reasonably careful if you have any in the house, in fact you should probably contemplate discarding them before they infect you with the killer virus.

Last week a man from London visited Africa and was given one of the aforementioned charms. He instantly developed Ebola and within seconds had a bit of a runny nose and a surfboard willy. Once he returned to London the police shot him in his hand to stop him from driving away and have made him live in a house at the bottom of the Thames. He has been given breathing stuff so he doesn’t drown and will be forced to live there for many many years. Or at least until the end of September.

The source of this information is thingy that heard it while he was on holiday in France or America. It is definitely true because he has got a penknife which he killed his sister with because she stood on his new school shoes. Please act immediately, or definitely before the weekend. IMG_1161.JPG

United to make huge announcement

Manchester United chief executive Edward Woodward will today be rehearsing his lines for what could prove to be the most controversial press conference in the history of the great club. The press conference will be called to inform the world that Manchester United have come to a decision on the future management of the team. They have decided NOT to install Ryan Giggs and his school chums as the management team and they have also decided to distance themselves from Louis Van Gaal, not just because he is a bit too old but also because he looks a bit too ugly to successfully market. In fact they have decided NOT to install a manager at all, instead Edwood has dreamt up a captivating and profitable scheme that will surely act as a template for all other clubs run by beardy prolapse prone twathorses that want to milk every last drop of money from the poor supporters of said establishments.

Manager for a day
Manchester United in the future will have a ‘manager for a day’ in charge of the team for every game. The lucky ‘manager’ will be selected by the clubs sponsors after winning a competition. The managers for August will come from competitions run in Ukraine by Aeroflot. The Russian airline is seeking to repair the fractured relationship between the two countries and their “let’s be chums again” competition will offer 5 lucky Ukrainians the chance to drop marquee signing Lee Cattermole to the bench or even play club captain Fellaini in his preferred role as trequartista.
In September HP will invite you to “print your sister naked”, the best secretly snapped picture of a blood relative undressed will win you a home match in charge.
October will see Aperol run “get so drunk you soil yourself” and November will be the turn of Mr Potato and their “crisps up your bum selfie” vehicle.
This innovative scheme will have potential sponsors flocking to edwoods office, imagine how much booze Strongbow would shift if they could offer binge drinkers the chance to lead the club into the Johnsons paint trophy regional group matches in the 2016/17 season. It is very likely that Newcastle United and possibly even West Ham United will also adopt the scheme, meaning they will both have to pay Malcolm and his sons Kidney, coatpocket & Arsedischarge a cool £2m each.

Training
It is understood that the players will be asked to train themselves during the week so the club can convert Carrington into a hotel complex that will become part of the winners prize. Each ‘manager for a day’ will be invited to take the ‘Moyes suite’ for the week prior to their game while the other rooms will be rented out to the rich and famous, Piers Morgan, Roman Abramovic and Rod, Jane & Freddy from the popular children’s programme of yesteryear ‘rainbow’ have apparently made tentative enquiries for VIP rooms.

Old Trafford
The famous theatre of dreams will also undergo a name change with Incoming headline sponsors Anusol renaming the stadium for the season while sister company Vagisil will take responsibility for security and event management. There are unconfirmed rumours that stewards will instead be called ‘discharge monitors’. Continue reading

The injustice of Jack

if you were to visit your local library, or mobile library if you are rural, you could pick out any number of children’s stories that told of an underdog’s triumph against a seemingly undefeatable foe. Read on. David & Goliath, the Hare & the Tortoise, Bananas in pyjamas and even the Hungry Tiger might as well all be sent for pulping. This is another level that even Dane Bowers wouldn’t have dreamt of.

Manchester United are the world’s most popular football team with more than 700m supporters spread across the whole breadth of planet Earth. United has so much brand identity that you could show the club crest to any human on the planet and he/she/it will instantly respond ‘Manchester United’.

Travel the globe and regardless of where you are even the most curious of creatures recognise the United brand.

Travel the globe and regardless of where you are even the most curious of creatures recognise the United brand.

At the peak of their careers players such as George Best, Eric Cantona, Jesper Olsen and Dong Fangzhou were the most recognisable people in the world due to the club they were representing. All of this makes their recent bullying campaign seem even more inappropriate.

Our hero, Jack Holt, is a fan of Manchester United and has been since he was 4. He was introduced to the ‘red devils’ quite by chance when a horse in the field next to his house bit him as he was trying to feed it a tin of pineapple chunks. The nurse that stitched Jack’s ear back on was none other than Gary Bailey, former Reds Goalkeeper, and as Bailey worked he regaled Jack with tales of his time between the sticks for United. Jack was enthralled and as soon as his ear was better he pestered his Mum to buy him a Manchester United bobble hat. He still sleeps with it under his pillow to this day. Jack’s adult life has been shaped around MUFC, he died his hair orange like Wes Brown, grew it into corn rows like David Beckham, then shaved himself a bald spot like Bobby Charlton. He tried to change his name to Oshea JohnShea’o’Shea when he turned 22 and if he hadn’t been on the buttercup syrup all night he would surely have filled in the online application form correctly. In short Jack is a devoted Red.

The horse still features heavily in Jacks psyche. He regularly draws it from his minds eye.

Jack enjoys meddling in the murky waters of the twitter and he runs a couple of accounts, his own @jackkholt (follow him, he is gleefully odd) and a mildly geeky account that was trundling along tweeting the names of players that represented Manchester United.This second account used the Manchester United club crest as the display picture. Not an issue you might say, many accounts use copyrighted images on Twitter, Facebook, Google+, Tumlbr and Friends reunited. However things they are a changing at Manchester United and last week the club took the hardline with Jack and demanded that the account be taken down. Jack shared his shock with his followers and as all good communities would they rallied round him and offered support.

Outrage was grumbling on the shop floor of the micro blogging platform and the ripples were reaching the other side of the world. An angry mob was assembling and being ring led by a doctor with a thirst, @busbymufc (as he parades himself on the twitter). This was not going unnoticed by the club’s underground security dorks though and they moved next. While Jack was midway through his morning incantations the front door flew suddenly and aggressively off its hinges. Two masked men burst into his kitchen and while the taller of the two held him the thicker set character grabbed Jack by the ear he so nearly lost at the teeth of his horse neigh-bour aged 4. They told him to ‘call off the geeks’ a reference to the fury building on social media. They threw Jack to the floor and tore down all of his John O’Shea posters, the thicker set chap did a long and very strong smelling wee in the fridge and they left laughing like a pair of drains.

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@Busbymufc soon assembled a virtual angry mob, on the twitter

Some time passed, Jack couldn’t be sure exactly how long it was because he had banged his head on the way to the floor and was a little disorientated. More people walked through the now unguarded doorway, this time two woman who had been sent by Horse & Hound magazine to negotiate an interview fee with the sinned against Mr Holt. Horse & Hound has been looking for any story that might decry the Glazer family ever since Malcolm was alleged to have interfered with Alex Ferguson’s horse. The women were persuasive and before Jack knew it they were offering him £200 and a trolley dash in countrywide farmers. However hurt and confused he felt Jack couldn’t sell his club out though and he sent the woman packing with a pack or organic vegetables and pumice stone each.

All of a sudden the tide turned in Jack’s favour. Popular Sunderland player John O’Shea was relaxing with a pink gin in his local Wetherspoons after a hard training session when Adam Johnson (already half cut on Apple Midori) called him over to show him a ‘fanboy’ he had found of his on twitter. can you guess who it was? That’s right, our Jack. JOS read on and as he read he got angrier and more frustrated with what he saw. His old club had lost the plot, how dare they try and do this to one of his number. As he choked back the tears he made a desperate phone call. What happened next is shrouded in mystery but what we do know is that the geeky twitter account was restored to the twitter and 2 lifeless bodies were carried from the ‘brand protection’ offices. Some witnesses claimed to have seen a cloven footed beast with heavy neck scarring leave the offices minutes earlier, its loin cloth covered in blood and ligaments.

Could this thing be responsible for the bodies leaving the ‘brand protection’ office?

This story has had a happy ending but this is only the first chapter in what is likely to be a horrific tale of internet bloodletting. We won the battle but the war has only just begun.

The badge of the resistance

The badge of the resistance

Replacing Dave

Worrying my sheep:

Post moved from Younitednewz.

Originally posted on Manchester Younited:

Every day bloggers all around the world are tapping away at their keyboards, some of them using sticks attached to their heads, putting together ANOTHER piece about the troubling times of Dave. All of them missing the point completely. ‘Sack him now, replace him with Giggs‘ or ‘‘keep faith with Dave, give him £200m and next season Utd will win the Intergalactic champions league’ and I have even seen ‘‘I won the treble on championship manager 3 using 4-4-2′. All of this noise is nonsense.

He mistakes chants of "Get Jan Leeming in" for "Put your hands to your eyes Goldfish eyes"

He mistakes chants of “Get Jan Leeming in” for “Put your hands to your ears Goldfish eyes”

The Glazer family bought Manchester United with debt leveraged against the club and their own cash generated by their successful window cleaning empire in the United States for one reason and one reason only. Money. So the deeply inbred pisswhistlers will be panicking…

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2014, a year in politics

I haven’t paid an awful lot of attention to politics ever since the great expenses scandal broke in 2008/9. I was absolutely astounded and disappointed that given the level of deception and fraud applied by these ministers of parliament the punishments handed out were so minimal.

The fraudulent politician Michael Ancram and a time traveller from the days of Silvikrin hair spray.

The fraudulent politician Michael Ancram and a time traveller from the days of Silvikrin hair spray.

Take Michael Ancram (also Marquess of Lothian) as an example; this scamp claimed expenses to have his swimming pool boiler serviced, his garden kept shipshape and his cleaning and housekeeping done. When the report of MP’s wrongdoing came out the remorseless Ancram repaid the £98 for the swimming pool boiler but refuted the rest claiming they were neither extravagant or luxurious and the matter was considered dealt with. Lesson learned? I doubt it. I think a more fitting punishment would have been for the commission dealing with these fraudulent pups to borrow a couple of sharks from the local Sealife centre and pop them into the perfectly heated swimming pool (thanks tax payers for the well serviced boiler) then allow Mr Ancram’s housekeeper to smear him in the juices of a couple of fillet steaks that were probably hanging around in his fridge. Once the nobleman was well coated in blood the invited audience (from Mr Ancram’s Devizes constituency) could participate in a bidding process (all profits to Help for Heroes) to determine the lucky winner, who was then allowed to apply the sturdy push needed to deposit the rogue into the now populated pool. The outcome is then determined by mother nature, surely a much fairer and more appropriate way to deal with such indiscretions.

A few months ago I was getting back into the car one morning having stopped to help a limping ferret across a busy dual carriageway and I caught the tail end of a news bulletin that instantly reignited my interest in politics. Apparently in a heated exchange in the houses of parliament the Head Millipede had attacked David Cameron on a number of his policies. I rejoiced the changes that had clearly been implemented over the last few years, it seemed that the opposition party had done away with all of the ne’er-do-wells and replaced them with a team of well disciplined Myriapods. What a bold move they had taken and here he was, this head of the millipedes, having the verve and nous to tackle a former Etonian on the greatest debating stage in the United Kingdom. On the way home I took great care to avoid driving over any insects in the same way that airline pilots try to avoid crashing into the homes of any potentially great actors while they cruise over Hollywood. imagine my disappointment when I watched “Westminster today” that evening and realised I had simply misheard the name of the opposition leader, not a single multiple legged insect in sight.

Apparently NOT the Labour party leader and his lady wife.

Apparently NOT the Labour party leader and his lady wife.

So what do the politicians have in store for us in 2014? reducing unemployment? improving education? working with gangs to reduce knife crime? easing poverty? NO. Actually the Conservatories will be spending a lot of time pushing through their vision for a train that will cost in excess of £30bn but will reduce the travel time from Manchester to London by 30 minutes. Money well spent. Of course this being politics the millipedes are duty bound to disagree with it and 2014 being the year before a general election they will need to find an alternative option to waste £30bn. They have a grand task ahead, this is considered to be their favourite project;

Disband the fire service and instead fill all inland waterways with porpoises, dolphins and minky whales. After a full training plan they will then be directed to any fires and use their blowholes to extinguish them. This would open up potential tourism opportunities, with local councils able to offer the Firemammals for lots of revenue generating occasions such as children’s birthday parties, public appearances and hen nights.It would also prevent strikes and potential pensions deficits. Expected cost £31bn.

5 THINGS THAT WILL ROCK POLITICS IN 2014

  1. The other Millipede will return to challenge his brother for the Labour party leadership. The brothers will duel naked on London’s Vauxhall bridge armed only with fresh saffron strands until one of them is either dead or really worn out.
  2. Nick Griffin will join the Conservatories as minister for beliefs from the 1950’s but will quickly rise through the party and be David Cameron’s door shiner by the end of November.
  3. David Beckham will challenge Boris Johnson for mayor of London-ness. Sadly his campaign will end in tragedy when his waif like wife is blown off a podium by a moderate breeze and into the path of a mobile industrial acid bath lorry and is instantly dissolved.
  4. Nick Clegg will change his name by deed poll to Sellotape Pissfingers in a desperate attempt to be noticed by someone. Anyone. Anyone at all. It fails.
  5. The liberal democrats will be decimated by the next wave of operation yewtree stings and as they stumble listlessly towards an election year their unlikely saviour will be Nigella Lawson, the cook turned celebrity crack whore will lead them into 2015 with renewed vigour and a tasty gazpacho.

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Christmas made easy

Christmas is statistically the most stressful time of the year. Consider that for a moment while you force-feed yourself with food you wouldn’t normally touch with the decomposing hand of a leprosy ravaged tramp. This magical time of year that is supposed to reinforce ones belief in family, friends, community and coca-cola has morphed into a dreaded period which for 78% of families will end in a fist fight and admission for at least one person into either Accident & emergency or the Salvation army.

If you don’t fancy a 17 hour wait to have a tree of brussels sprouts removed from your anus and you could only contribute a basic knowledge of playing pink flute to the Sally Army band you need to follow our handy guide to the letter.

This was removed from the anus of a 75 year old woman in Hull last Christmas.

This was removed from the anus of a 75-year-old woman in Hull last Christmas.

DONT GET WOKEN UP TOO EARLY

No-one wants to be awoken at 3:37 by recalcitrant youths screaming, dancing and demanding to be given milkshake while they look at their presents and while it is generally frowned upon to tranquillize one’s own children (just ask the McCann’s)  it is possible to take some precautionary measures to avoid these dastardly scenes. It is also considered a fire hazard to lock your children in their room (and under the stairs, in the garage or in the boot of your car) so you need a few obstacles to slow things down. Tempting as it is to litter the landing with porcupine spines or organically harvested wasp stings it won’t help maintain the silence, you need to find something that will keep the potential noise polluters so absolutely filled with dread that they will be unable to utter a single sound. Maybe you could borrow a knot of snakes from a nearby zoo/ safari park/ reptile house/ voodoo doctor that you could be positioned just outside your bedroom door, or could kidnap a swan from your local park and tie its beak to your door handle. Whatever you think would render your infants so mortally terrified that they silently retreat to their room and wait for the soothing tones of their fully refreshed parents to summon them to review their presents.

This would make a great hallway deterrent, especially with the word "EVIL" shaved into its forelock.

This would make a great hallway deterrent, especially with the word “EVIL” shaved into its forelock.

DON’T WORRY ABOUT LUNCH

Make sure you don’t put yourself under too much pressure when making Christmas dinner. Most of your guests over the age of 13 will be inside out – upside down – back to front – in the hedge on flames pissed so they wont care if it’s a Norfolk black turkey or a deep-fried wren’s beak. Until the age of celebrity chefs telling the culinary retarded what is possible with a splash of balsamic vinegar and a sun-dried tomato no-one cared what kind of goose fat the roast potatoes were cooked in, they just wanted solids to soak up the Bristol cream sherry.

The perfect easy to serve dinner for all your inebriated guests.

The perfect easy to serve dinner for all your inebriated guests.

So save yourself the heartache and just buy one of these beauties for each guest and plate it up while they are watching the Christmas edition of Rastamouse on Cbeebies. To make sure they don’t notice your lack of kitchen work treat everyone to a turbo absinthe (25 ml of absinthe, 50 ml of absinthe, a dash of poitin and fill the glass up with Stolichnaya) and for the designated driver a stick of Uhu. You can’t go wrong.

DO KEEP THE ATMOSPHERE GOING

After a hearty Christmas dinner in a can your guests will want to take things down a zone or two and relax in front of the television. THIS IS A PERIOD OF DANGER. Make the wrong televisual choices and the ambiance will enter a terminal decline quicker than a short-sighted peregrine falcon having mistaken a Renault Kangoo for a tasty field mouse. I can’t even imagine a conversation that would end with “Oh yes, lets put Eastenders on. That will finish the day off nicely“. Unless it went something like this;

Mavis “Shall we put the telly on?”

Geoff “Well considering the car was torched by a radically extreme cell of the World Wildlife fund and the Christmas dinner was eaten by a pack of albino Polar bears that escaped from the Tamworth snowdome we don’t have much else to do.”

Mavis “I was going to suggest we popped over to visit the kids but it seems they have been taken hostage by the RAC after word got out they signed up with Green Flag so that’s out of the question too.”

Geoff “I tell you what would cheer me up, watching sheer misery acted out badly in a world that Laundry equipment and toasters haven’t yet reached. Better still, if the whole plot was about unlikely incest, unreasonable murder and constant sorrow I would be in my element.” Just to be safe put the jaws trilogy on, nature, nice marine scenes and a revered sountrack.

These two scamps wrestle over the remote control, desperate to avoid the Christmas soap specials.

These two scamps wrestle over the remote control, desperate to avoid the Christmas soap specials.

DO GET RID EARLY

Even though you will have been absolutely elated to welcome extended family members upon their arrival at your house they will have been chipping away at your resolve from that moment onward. There is nothing worse than having a house full of hanger-ons when all you want to do is throw some drum’n;bass on, strip down to your vest and empty a couple of Strongbows. Keep feeding and entertaining these vile monsters and they will stay, you need to take extreme action. At this junction you have two options with very different risk and reward.

OPTION 1 – Low risk

Create the illusion that beings from another planet are landing on earth with the sole aim of harvesting the resources of the planet and cross pollinating the population. To do this you will need to cut funny patterns into your lawn and get a volunteer to scratch at your door intermittently. Your guests may take this as their cue to leave (mission accomplished) or they might decide to go and sit in your cellar in the dark eating munch bunch yogurts.

OPTION 2 – High Risk

Announce it is “adult time” and bring a bowl of melted chocolate into the lounge. Pass all adult guests a candy thong each and instruct them to remove any clothes that feel excessive. At this point everyone SHOULD get up, make their excuses and leave at a very impressive rate of knots. However if any of them stay you could be about to enter a whole world of odd.

High risk, high reward.

High risk, high reward.

Follow those 4 vital guidelines and Christmas day will be tolerable and pain-free, enjoyable almost. you will have had a decent lie in, a trouble-free lunch, a great afternoon/evening watching retro shark horror films and a chilled out evening drinking strongbow listening to Roni Size. You try telling me Jesus didn’t have that very day in mind when he first came up with the idea of supermarkets.