Christmas is statistically the most stressful time of the year. Consider that for a moment while you force-feed yourself with food you wouldn’t normally touch with the decomposing hand of a leprosy ravaged tramp. This magical time of year that is supposed to reinforce ones belief in family, friends, community and coca-cola has morphed into a dreaded period which for 78% of families will end in a fist fight and admission for at least one person into either Accident & emergency or the Salvation army.
If you don’t fancy a 17 hour wait to have a tree of brussels sprouts removed from your anus and you could only contribute a basic knowledge of playing pink flute to the Sally Army band you need to follow our handy guide to the letter.
This was removed from the anus of a 75-year-old woman in Hull last Christmas.
DONT GET WOKEN UP TOO EARLY
No-one wants to be awoken at 3:37 by recalcitrant youths screaming, dancing and demanding to be given milkshake while they look at their presents and while it is generally frowned upon to tranquillize one’s own children (just ask the McCann’s) it is possible to take some precautionary measures to avoid these dastardly scenes. It is also considered a fire hazard to lock your children in their room (and under the stairs, in the garage or in the boot of your car) so you need a few obstacles to slow things down. Tempting as it is to litter the landing with porcupine spines or organically harvested wasp stings it won’t help maintain the silence, you need to find something that will keep the potential noise polluters so absolutely filled with dread that they will be unable to utter a single sound. Maybe you could borrow a knot of snakes from a nearby zoo/ safari park/ reptile house/ voodoo doctor that you could be positioned just outside your bedroom door, or could kidnap a swan from your local park and tie its beak to your door handle. Whatever you think would render your infants so mortally terrified that they silently retreat to their room and wait for the soothing tones of their fully refreshed parents to summon them to review their presents.
This would make a great hallway deterrent, especially with the word “EVIL” shaved into its forelock.
DON’T WORRY ABOUT LUNCH
Make sure you don’t put yourself under too much pressure when making Christmas dinner. Most of your guests over the age of 13 will be inside out – upside down – back to front – in the hedge on flames pissed so they wont care if it’s a Norfolk black turkey or a deep-fried wren’s beak. Until the age of celebrity chefs telling the culinary retarded what is possible with a splash of balsamic vinegar and a sun-dried tomato no-one cared what kind of goose fat the roast potatoes were cooked in, they just wanted solids to soak up the Bristol cream sherry.
The perfect easy to serve dinner for all your inebriated guests.
So save yourself the heartache and just buy one of these beauties for each guest and plate it up while they are watching the Christmas edition of Rastamouse on Cbeebies. To make sure they don’t notice your lack of kitchen work treat everyone to a turbo absinthe (25 ml of absinthe, 50 ml of absinthe, a dash of poitin and fill the glass up with Stolichnaya) and for the designated driver a stick of Uhu. You can’t go wrong.
DO KEEP THE ATMOSPHERE GOING
After a hearty Christmas dinner in a can your guests will want to take things down a zone or two and relax in front of the television. THIS IS A PERIOD OF DANGER. Make the wrong televisual choices and the ambiance will enter a terminal decline quicker than a short-sighted peregrine falcon having mistaken a Renault Kangoo for a tasty field mouse. I can’t even imagine a conversation that would end with “Oh yes, lets put Eastenders on. That will finish the day off nicely“. Unless it went something like this;
Mavis “Shall we put the telly on?”
Geoff “Well considering the car was torched by a radically extreme cell of the World Wildlife fund and the Christmas dinner was eaten by a pack of albino Polar bears that escaped from the Tamworth snowdome we don’t have much else to do.”
Mavis “I was going to suggest we popped over to visit the kids but it seems they have been taken hostage by the RAC after word got out they signed up with Green Flag so that’s out of the question too.”
Geoff “I tell you what would cheer me up, watching sheer misery acted out badly in a world that Laundry equipment and toasters haven’t yet reached. Better still, if the whole plot was about unlikely incest, unreasonable murder and constant sorrow I would be in my element.” Just to be safe put the jaws trilogy on, nature, nice marine scenes and a revered sountrack.
These two scamps wrestle over the remote control, desperate to avoid the Christmas soap specials.
DO GET RID EARLY
Even though you will have been absolutely elated to welcome extended family members upon their arrival at your house they will have been chipping away at your resolve from that moment onward. There is nothing worse than having a house full of hanger-ons when all you want to do is throw some drum’n;bass on, strip down to your vest and empty a couple of Strongbows. Keep feeding and entertaining these vile monsters and they will stay, you need to take extreme action. At this junction you have two options with very different risk and reward.
OPTION 1 – Low risk
Create the illusion that beings from another planet are landing on earth with the sole aim of harvesting the resources of the planet and cross pollinating the population. To do this you will need to cut funny patterns into your lawn and get a volunteer to scratch at your door intermittently. Your guests may take this as their cue to leave (mission accomplished) or they might decide to go and sit in your cellar in the dark eating munch bunch yogurts.
OPTION 2 – High Risk
Announce it is “adult time” and bring a bowl of melted chocolate into the lounge. Pass all adult guests a candy thong each and instruct them to remove any clothes that feel excessive. At this point everyone SHOULD get up, make their excuses and leave at a very impressive rate of knots. However if any of them stay you could be about to enter a whole world of odd.
High risk, high reward.
Follow those 4 vital guidelines and Christmas day will be tolerable and pain-free, enjoyable almost. you will have had a decent lie in, a trouble-free lunch, a great afternoon/evening watching retro shark horror films and a chilled out evening drinking strongbow listening to Roni Size. You try telling me Jesus didn’t have that very day in mind when he first came up with the idea of supermarkets.