Francis Jeffers & David Bentley

In the first of a new series we take a peek at the new lives of famous people after falling of the media radar.

Francis Jeffers was once known as ‘the fox in the box’, not because he liked troubling lady gardens instead it was due to to his prolific goal scoring record as a young player. He contributed 20 goals in his first 60 appearances for Everton and was offered a contract that would’ve made him the best paid player in the club’s history but a couple of weeks later he rejected it and in the summer of 2001 he was sold to Arsenal for £8m.

Still at Everton Fran sits by a boy with a big future and an even bigger first touch.

Still at Everton Fran sits by a boy with a big future and an even bigger first touch.

From here on it was a tale of disappointment and injury that took him to such footballing outposts as Blackburn, Ipswich and Accrington Stanley and he only scored another 22 goals across 12 seasons.

Injury was his major trouble but many people also cited his obsession with flannels as a big contributor to his failure. While his team mates were out on the training pitch Jeffers would be limping down the home aisle in a Tesco or Asda gaily filling a trolley full of flannels and subsequently building up huge credit card bills. Towards the end of his time at Arsenal the club had full time doorman employed at all the local supermarkets with implicit instructions to stop the textile fiend making any more purchases.

 

When asked how it all went so wrong Jeffers is reputed to have replied “I couldn’t be arsed. Have you got any spare face cloths?”

So faded by 30 his Ma and Da had to put an announcement in the paper.

So faded by 30 his Ma and Da had to put an announcement in the paper.

David Bentley is a waster of similar proportions. He began his career at Arsenal where he met the above mentioned Jeffers. Their friendship led to his team mates giving him the moniker “The midfielder or number ten in and around the box” but it never really caught on, on account of it being shit.

The gloves should have been a clue really.

The gloves should have been a clue really.

Bentley, like Jeffers, showed great promise at an early stage of his career and although he suffered a dip with a gambling addiction and a fondness for scotch eggs he got himself back on track and had a couple of super seasons for Blackburn rovers where he again found himself sharing a room with Jeffers.

Sadly while occupying room 103 of the Bristol premier inn one Friday night Bentley had a sudden realisation that he, like Jeffers, really couldn’t be arsed either. Yes, he has been paid astonishingly well to play football. A job that 90% of all people in the world would love and Yes, he was at that time in the England squad but there was so much hard work involved it had become exhausting. No one ever thinks about how often footballers have to put and take off footwear. No one cares how much they have to train in the rain or even fog. It’s nigh on an impossible job.

Its a hard life. While eating his Subway roll he was burgled.

Its a hard life. While eating his Subway roll he was burgled.

It is also worth mentioning that Jeffers was at the peak of his flannel love during their time together at Rovers and there was one very troubling episode that may have made up Bentley’s mind over his commitment. David Bentley was a natty dresser with one weakness, fluorescent socks. Which are usually made from terylene towelling. Uh oh. Bentley arrived back to their hotel room after an unsuccessful trip to have his ankle broken by some loan dolphins (less fearsome money lenders) to find Jeffers sat with his willy in one sock and his fingers in the other. A scuffle erupted and Jeffers said some mean things about Bentley’s quiff. That was the end of the line for Dave.

He may have signed for Tottenham and put in the odd performance here and there but his heart was never in it and he only made 40 odd apparences for the Spurs.

So where are they now? After Jeffers poked Bentley on Facebook at the start of July the friendship was repaired and they met up (with an appropriate adult chaperone) at a spud-u-like in Bristols Cribbs Causeway shopping centre.

 

Jeffers waits for his old pal, hungrily.

Jeffers waits for his old pal, hungrily.

A mutual love of food led them to invest their money in a very high end restaurant in the heart of Toxteth and they opened the establishment on the 5th September, Sylvain Wiltord cut the ribbon on the front door.

Sadly the menu is reminiscent of their footballing careers and despite showing immense promise on the aperitifs it falls apart after the fish course and by the desserts it is farcical. An recent a la carte menu read like this:

aperitif
Pineau des Charentes

entree
Snails au gratin with red wine
Chefs salad with quails eggs, walnuts and goats Brie
Assiete of foie gras with turnips and prunes

fish course
Spicy Tuna Tartar with black olive and cucumber

main course
Cheese and marmite sandwich
Curry pot noodle
Alphabetti spaghetti

A delicious main course at 'Chez lazy'

A delicious main course at ‘Chez lazy’

dessert
Angel delight
Jelly
Twix

digestif
Special brew
White cider

I don’t hold out much hope for these restaurateurs but if Jamie Oliver can make a living from it anyone can. Bon chance Dave and Frank.

 

Loom Band Danger

This is something that has come to light today and any responsible parent, teacher, carer or sinister uncle should act immediately.

My son (aged 7) has learnt at school today that the charm bracelets that come with loom bands are actually the source of Ebola and you should be reasonably careful if you have any in the house, in fact you should probably contemplate discarding them before they infect you with the killer virus.

Last week a man from London visited Africa and was given one of the aforementioned charms. He instantly developed Ebola and within seconds had a bit of a runny nose and a surfboard willy. Once he returned to London the police shot him in his hand to stop him from driving away and have made him live in a house at the bottom of the Thames. He has been given breathing stuff so he doesn’t drown and will be forced to live there for many many years. Or at least until the end of September.

The source of this information is thingy that heard it while he was on holiday in France or America. It is definitely true because he has got a penknife which he killed his sister with because she stood on his new school shoes. Please act immediately, or definitely before the weekend. IMG_1161.JPG

‘illik Samuel gün Eto’o’

The 9th of May 2014 marks the 2nd anniversary of the ‘annual Samuel Eto’o day” in the Russian federation of Dagestan, this translates to ‘illik Samuel gün Eto’o’ in Azerbaijani which isn’t the most spoken language of the region.

Sam agrees to buy Luxembourg while playing against Moscow Wednesday FC.

Sam agrees to buy Luxembourg while playing against Moscow Wednesday FC.

For those of you that haven’t followed the career of the incendiary Cameroonian Eto’o played in the capital of Dagestan for a previously unheard of team. Anzhi Makachlala. They were formed in 1991 by malcontent Falconers who had been victims of the Soviet Union blanket ban on gauntlets and had made steady but unremarkable  progress through the league structure. In 2011 Suleyman Kerimov became the owner of the club in the kind of shady and thievish deal that saw the Glazers snatch control of Manchester United. Then manager Sergei Cuttlepop had been involved in a simmering row with the clubs owners about a pedigree brown bear they had been training. Sergei believed that he was allowed to drink the warm blood of any sinners the bear had clubbed to death but the owners disagreed. Unable to settle this dispute amicably Kerimov waded in and tied them all to a car before dousing it with Gazprom branded petrol and torching the lot.

The very car used by Kerimov to gain control of Anzhi. It now sits in the Gazprom museum.

The very car used by Kerimov to gain control of Anzhi. It now sits in the Gazprom museum.

Kerimov had amassed an estimated personal fortune of around $17bn and the very second he took over the club he agreed the first of a raft of sub-prime profile signings for fees that would have proved Alex Ferguson’s ‘no value’ theory to be correct.In the summer of 2011 Kerimov signed Samuel Eto’o for the knock down fee of €23.7m and the Cameroonian unburdened by the milk of human kindness went about his daily business of upsetting managers and players alike with relish. The players actually lived and trained in Moscow due to the danger posed by separatist rebels and the lack of functional facilities, a problem also faced by Liverpool Football club in England, and as such the Dagestan people struggled to relate to their new heroes. Until one fateful day in May 2012.

The Dagestan region was dangerous, like Merseyside.

The Dagestan region was dangerous, like Merseyside.

After their game against Moscow Wednesday, local rivals of Torpedo, the crowd were beginning to disperse back to their cardboard boxes for an evening of fighting severe frostbite and repelling radicals when a scream for help pierced the night sky.”Damekhmarot” or “Help me!” in georgian was the cry and as the 300 strong crowd of match-goers craned their necks for a sight of the orator they were stunned to see a Georgian Golden Eagle swooping off towards the mountains with a tousle haired toddler in its claws.The childs mother and father were actually mildly relieved to see their continually hungry offspring being snatched away and were counting their rubles to see if they could now afford a couple of peroni’s in the Makachkala stadium bar when Eto’o sprung into action. The wiry striker jumped into the teams apache helicopter and despite having not the slightest clue about the controls of the flying machine he somehow managed to grapple the beast into his control and give chase to the thieving eagle. What seemed like hours passed while these two battled along the dramatic Dagestan skyline and just as the eagle appeared to have won Eto’o found the arms button and deployed a heat seeking dirty missile that struck the winged monster squarely in the beak. The pyrotechnics were breathtaking and as the eagle fell from the sky the boy was flung headlong into the blades of the Apache showering the watching crowds with blood and sinew.

As the beak was hit Eto'o sped away, enveloped with a sense of self importance.

As the beak was hit Eto’o sped away, enveloped with a sense of self importance.

The fact that the boy had died was not ignored but Eto’o had achieved the one thing that the Chernobyl disaster had failed to do, he had united a community. The parents were treated to a Peroni each by Kerimov who later destroyed the helicopter and his arsenal of reprocessed urnanium tipped missiles, most of the radioactive material ending up in meat bound for the Tbilisi supermarket chains.The people of Makachkala feasted on the dead eagle for a week and once the excitement had subdued they built a statue of Eto’o out of wattle and daub, bound together by Semen. When the diminutive striker was forced to leave after the re budgeting of Anzhi the people vowed never to forget the brave and genuine actions taken and they vowed to celebrate ‘illik Samuel gün Eto’o’ every year until their homemade vodka fermented from Yak faeces finally addled their delicate minds.

The wattle and daub statue was later updated by Roberto Carlos at a cost of $11m

The wattle and daub statue was later updated by Roberto Carlos at a cost of $11m

United to make huge announcement

Manchester United chief executive Edward Woodward will today be rehearsing his lines for what could prove to be the most controversial press conference in the history of the great club. The press conference will be called to inform the world that Manchester United have come to a decision on the future management of the team. They have decided NOT to install Ryan Giggs and his school chums as the management team and they have also decided to distance themselves from Louis Van Gaal, not just because he is a bit too old but also because he looks a bit too ugly to successfully market. In fact they have decided NOT to install a manager at all, instead Edwood has dreamt up a captivating and profitable scheme that will surely act as a template for all other clubs run by beardy prolapse prone twathorses that want to milk every last drop of money from the poor supporters of said establishments.

Manager for a day
Manchester United in the future will have a ‘manager for a day’ in charge of the team for every game. The lucky ‘manager’ will be selected by the clubs sponsors after winning a competition. The managers for August will come from competitions run in Ukraine by Aeroflot. The Russian airline is seeking to repair the fractured relationship between the two countries and their “let’s be chums again” competition will offer 5 lucky Ukrainians the chance to drop marquee signing Lee Cattermole to the bench or even play club captain Fellaini in his preferred role as trequartista.
In September HP will invite you to “print your sister naked”, the best secretly snapped picture of a blood relative undressed will win you a home match in charge.
October will see Aperol run “get so drunk you soil yourself” and November will be the turn of Mr Potato and their “crisps up your bum selfie” vehicle.
This innovative scheme will have potential sponsors flocking to edwoods office, imagine how much booze Strongbow would shift if they could offer binge drinkers the chance to lead the club into the Johnsons paint trophy regional group matches in the 2016/17 season. It is very likely that Newcastle United and possibly even West Ham United will also adopt the scheme, meaning they will both have to pay Malcolm and his sons Kidney, coatpocket & Arsedischarge a cool £2m each.

Training
It is understood that the players will be asked to train themselves during the week so the club can convert Carrington into a hotel complex that will become part of the winners prize. Each ‘manager for a day’ will be invited to take the ‘Moyes suite’ for the week prior to their game while the other rooms will be rented out to the rich and famous, Piers Morgan, Roman Abramovic and Rod, Jane & Freddy from the popular children’s programme of yesteryear ‘rainbow’ have apparently made tentative enquiries for VIP rooms.

Old Trafford
The famous theatre of dreams will also undergo a name change with Incoming headline sponsors Anusol renaming the stadium for the season while sister company Vagisil will take responsibility for security and event management. There are unconfirmed rumours that stewards will instead be called ‘discharge monitors’. Continue reading

The injustice of Jack

if you were to visit your local library, or mobile library if you are rural, you could pick out any number of children’s stories that told of an underdog’s triumph against a seemingly undefeatable foe. Read on. David & Goliath, the Hare & the Tortoise, Bananas in pyjamas and even the Hungry Tiger might as well all be sent for pulping. This is another level that even Dane Bowers wouldn’t have dreamt of.

Manchester United are the world’s most popular football team with more than 700m supporters spread across the whole breadth of planet Earth. United has so much brand identity that you could show the club crest to any human on the planet and he/she/it will instantly respond ‘Manchester United’.

Travel the globe and regardless of where you are even the most curious of creatures recognise the United brand.

Travel the globe and regardless of where you are even the most curious of creatures recognise the United brand.

At the peak of their careers players such as George Best, Eric Cantona, Jesper Olsen and Dong Fangzhou were the most recognisable people in the world due to the club they were representing. All of this makes their recent bullying campaign seem even more inappropriate.

Our hero, Jack Holt, is a fan of Manchester United and has been since he was 4. He was introduced to the ‘red devils’ quite by chance when a horse in the field next to his house bit him as he was trying to feed it a tin of pineapple chunks. The nurse that stitched Jack’s ear back on was none other than Gary Bailey, former Reds Goalkeeper, and as Bailey worked he regaled Jack with tales of his time between the sticks for United. Jack was enthralled and as soon as his ear was better he pestered his Mum to buy him a Manchester United bobble hat. He still sleeps with it under his pillow to this day. Jack’s adult life has been shaped around MUFC, he died his hair orange like Wes Brown, grew it into corn rows like David Beckham, then shaved himself a bald spot like Bobby Charlton. He tried to change his name to Oshea JohnShea’o’Shea when he turned 22 and if he hadn’t been on the buttercup syrup all night he would surely have filled in the online application form correctly. In short Jack is a devoted Red.

The horse still features heavily in Jacks psyche. He regularly draws it from his minds eye.

Jack enjoys meddling in the murky waters of the twitter and he runs a couple of accounts, his own @jackkholt (follow him, he is gleefully odd) and a mildly geeky account that was trundling along tweeting the names of players that represented Manchester United.This second account used the Manchester United club crest as the display picture. Not an issue you might say, many accounts use copyrighted images on Twitter, Facebook, Google+, Tumlbr and Friends reunited. However things they are a changing at Manchester United and last week the club took the hardline with Jack and demanded that the account be taken down. Jack shared his shock with his followers and as all good communities would they rallied round him and offered support.

Outrage was grumbling on the shop floor of the micro blogging platform and the ripples were reaching the other side of the world. An angry mob was assembling and being ring led by a doctor with a thirst, @busbymufc (as he parades himself on the twitter). This was not going unnoticed by the club’s underground security dorks though and they moved next. While Jack was midway through his morning incantations the front door flew suddenly and aggressively off its hinges. Two masked men burst into his kitchen and while the taller of the two held him the thicker set character grabbed Jack by the ear he so nearly lost at the teeth of his horse neigh-bour aged 4. They told him to ‘call off the geeks’ a reference to the fury building on social media. They threw Jack to the floor and tore down all of his John O’Shea posters, the thicker set chap did a long and very strong smelling wee in the fridge and they left laughing like a pair of drains.

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@Busbymufc soon assembled a virtual angry mob, on the twitter

Some time passed, Jack couldn’t be sure exactly how long it was because he had banged his head on the way to the floor and was a little disorientated. More people walked through the now unguarded doorway, this time two woman who had been sent by Horse & Hound magazine to negotiate an interview fee with the sinned against Mr Holt. Horse & Hound has been looking for any story that might decry the Glazer family ever since Malcolm was alleged to have interfered with Alex Ferguson’s horse. The women were persuasive and before Jack knew it they were offering him £200 and a trolley dash in countrywide farmers. However hurt and confused he felt Jack couldn’t sell his club out though and he sent the woman packing with a pack or organic vegetables and pumice stone each.

All of a sudden the tide turned in Jack’s favour. Popular Sunderland player John O’Shea was relaxing with a pink gin in his local Wetherspoons after a hard training session when Adam Johnson (already half cut on Apple Midori) called him over to show him a ‘fanboy’ he had found of his on twitter. can you guess who it was? That’s right, our Jack. JOS read on and as he read he got angrier and more frustrated with what he saw. His old club had lost the plot, how dare they try and do this to one of his number. As he choked back the tears he made a desperate phone call. What happened next is shrouded in mystery but what we do know is that the geeky twitter account was restored to the twitter and 2 lifeless bodies were carried from the ‘brand protection’ offices. Some witnesses claimed to have seen a cloven footed beast with heavy neck scarring leave the offices minutes earlier, its loin cloth covered in blood and ligaments.

Could this thing be responsible for the bodies leaving the ‘brand protection’ office?

This story has had a happy ending but this is only the first chapter in what is likely to be a horrific tale of internet bloodletting. We won the battle but the war has only just begun.

The badge of the resistance

The badge of the resistance

Woodies words

Worrying my sheep:

Moved from Younitednewz

Originally posted on Manchester Younited:

With a small investment of cash, a case of scampi & lemon Nik-naks and a 2 litre bottle of cream soda we have managed to secure exclusive access to the personal diary of Edward Woodward, the man responsible for Cesc Fabregas’ bumper new contract. Come back each day during the January transfer window to see how electric Ed is helping shape the future of Manchester United while keeping his friends, the Glazers, in the lifestyle they are accustomed to. By that I mean having lots of money, not inserting felt pens up their bottoms.

Ed showing how to traverse the transfer market with intent.

Ed showing how to traverse the transfer market with intent.

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Woodies words 13th January

Worrying my sheep:

Moved from Younitednewz

Originally posted on Manchester Younited:

Dear Diary

had an absolute wheeze today, Moyesie has been ringing in to the office to speak to me about potential transfers and every time they put him through to me I made a beeping noise like an answering machine. He was fuming, as Miranda would say “such fun”.

Was so pleased we managed to get rid of Anderson, Joel & Avram told me if I could cut the annual catering budget by 25% they would name the South stand after me. Imagine how much we can put the prices up in the Eddie Stand next season.

Rang Sandro Rosell in the afternoon and offered him £11m for Fabregas, makes me laugh every time. While I was on a roll I rang Bilbao and offered £7m for Herrera, stopped laughing when their president Josu Urrutia said he had sent my address to the headquarters of ETA.

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