If you are reading this AND alive it is only a matter of time until you are neither. Unless you live down a nuclear bunker with just a terribly insular tawny owl for company you will already be aware of your fate. A danger like no other known to human kind since the sands of time first trickled into the souvenir Isle of Wight display trinkets is lurking probably only millimetres away from you. The false widow spider. The name of this (not very) venomous arachnid is probably enough to make most grown adults involuntarily wee on their natty slip on canvas pumps.
Luckily the media have been keeping us all up to date as these fearsome beasts, in some cases measuring as much as 3cm in length, continue their devastating march up the island leaving havoc and panic in their wake. Just days ago a school in the Forest of Dean took the decision to close its doors after finding an infestation of these monsters in the technology block of the building. A measure they were simply forced to employ given the dire seriousness of the situation, and thank The Lord they did. In years gone by they may have been tempted to simply dispatch the school janitor armed only with a a simple broom to shoo the vile predators out. Imagine the consequences if they had tried that? It doesn’t bear thinking about.
Lets not even think about poor decorator Ricki Whitmore, 39 from Narnia, who disturbed a feeding frenzy of these fatal menaces. Ricki was renovating a school (These demons seem to resonate towards scholastic buildings) when the whole cluster turned and charged at him, despite his best efforts he was unable to fend them off and the ringleader leapt at him, sinking his fangs deep into his thigh. If you can stretch your realms of imagination so far try and picture yourself in such a terrifying position. There you are, a grown human, with this motley crew of 8 legged destroyers, some as big as 3cm hurtling towards you at breakneck speed. Frozen with terror and only daring to think about the loved ones that will be left behind you resign yourself to certain death. Suddenly and without warning the alpha male launches itself towards your thigh and all you see is the light glinting off its sabatier like fangs. Ricki was lucky to survive, surgeons had to apply 3 different Mr Bump plasters before the weeping wound was dormant, the plucky decorator my never wield a broom again. If you ever find yourself feeling complacent about the danger offered by the false widow spider please take a look at Ricki’s stitches, this was definitely absolutely caused entirely by this fiendish arachnid.
Luckily the Daily Mail has decided to help us during these times of grave danger, which is akin to the fruit and vegetable team of Tesco being scrambled to deal with nuclear warhead threat.
THE BASICS: HOW TO AVOID BITES AND WHAT TO DO IF YOU GET ONE
The key message is that you shouldn’t disturb spiders if you can help it because they will usually only bite you if you get on their tits.
To avoid it while asleep, remove everything from under the bed so that the only way the spiders can get up on the bed is to crawl up one of the four legs, to prevent them from getting any further you might want to employ trained chinchillas to halt their progress.
Do not leave clothes around in piles for long periods as spiders like to hide in them and shake shoes in case a spider has crawled in overnight. To be extra vigilant set fire to any soft furnishings in your house, this will alert the fire brigade who are trained in handling false widows.
If you have a garage store things in plastic bags if you use them with your hands and feet and cannot see inside. Also seal cardboard boxes if you are storing things. Also only enter garages when accompanied by a cloven hoofed animal, all domestic spiders are hugely allergic to llamas and they may be fooled into a hasty retreat.
If you are unfortunate enough to be bitten and have a reaction, pack the wound in ice and drink strongbow. In the same way that tonic repels mosquito’s Strongbow exposure will kill false widows within seconds.
The bottom line is that these murderers are running amok, the daily star told us as much weeks ago, so ultimately you will be killed by one over the next few weeks unless you invest in a personal llama, a chain mail suit or a seat on Richard Branson’s space flight.
look out for next weeks article on how the storm of the century destroyed the United Kingdom.
This article is dedicated to my social and digital bestie Steven Caddies, I would love it if it made him smile.